Relapsation

I almost gave in tonight. Only 2 weeks down, and suddenly tonight I get a craving for Taco Bell. I was going to do it to. My mind was made up. I drive by a Taco Bell on the way home. In my mind I said "fuck it!"

On the way to Taco Bell I had a moment of clarity. I knew it was best that I just go straight home. Not to say I don't regret the decision... as I sit here forming these words and sentences I am completely regretting my decision. But I know, in the end I will be better for it.

The person that believes in will power is a person free of vices, habits, and addictions.

3/15/09 - Day 14

It will officially be 2 weeks as of 11 PM tonight since I have started my epic journey. I won't lie, this week has been a little tough. There have been more ups than downs though.

I feel a hell-of-allot healthier than how I was feeling 2 weeks ago. I can bend over and put on my shoe without straining or losing breath. As I have stated before, my bowel movements are quick and painless. I feel as though I have a spring in my step. I don't tire as easy now going from point A to point B.

Here are this weeks photos:

I can't really make out the weight loss from the pictures. There looks like a slight reduction in the stomach from last week's photo, but I can't tell if it's just my eyes playing tricks on me or not. The only thing that really matters is the fact that I feel the transformation.

As of yesterday, I started planning my strategy on my upcoming diet routine (changes). It was interesting not focusing on my weight loss all week. I struggled with it at first, but by Friday, I could care less. I lost interest with the obsession of losing weight, but I DID NOT LOSE INTEREST IN LOSING WEIGHT. For that, I am proud of myself.

3/11/09 - Day 10

There was something I had on my mind yesterday but forgot to add to the blog. Why does dieting feel burdensome? That is a question I always find my mind wondering back to. In reality, dieting should be simple and "living to eat" would be more burdensome. When on a diet you are:

*Eating Less, therefore saving money
*Feeling better and the body is healthier

But I always feel, while on a diet, that it is more burdensome. I suppose it is only a burden to my soul that longs for the sweet release of food. Now I must find something constructive to feel that sweet release again without it being detrimental to my health, both mental and physical.

3/10/09 - Day 9

Today was a day that I was struggling (but just a little). I had some cravings for typical junk food I would eat, but nothing that would send me into a full on tailspin. I notice that when I get bored I get very "antsy". I don't get an anxious/paranoid feeling, but more of a "I need to be doing something" type of feeling. Something needs to fill that hole, and usually I take comfort in food. I have found that working doesn't fill that void. Other things that I find interesting, usually do not fill the void either. Generally activities that are detrimental to my well being are the things that would take my mind of the boredom, such as:

Alcohol
Sex
Buying Material Things (AKA Shopping)
Smokeless Tobacco
Television
FOOD

When I have previously dieted, I became so obsessed with losing weight, that's all I would think about all day long. In my mind I would plot, plan, chart, graph, and dissect my weight loss. My thinking was focused and frenzied all at the same time. Usually that would last for about 4 to 6 weeks. Then I would lose interest in the planning of my weight loss, because in my mind it had been done to the extreme and there was nothing more to go over. Once I lost interest in the planning of my weight loss that same "antsy" feeling crept back in and I would end up doing something that would end up sabotaging my weeks of progress.

I would always say to myself, "well, it's only one day of backsliding, it won't hurt. I'll go back to dieting tomorrow." That old adage "Tomorrow never comes" rings true in my case. I would back slide right back into the previous gained weight, plus some.

So, this week I decided not to focus at all on my upcoming plans for weight loss. Other than eating my routine meals and blogging I wasn't going to think about the diet once this week and see what would become. My guess is that the times I had previously lost weight, the hyper-thinking had allot to do with my success, but it also led to my downfall. Well, what I guessed about my hyper-thinking was right. I'm quite confident that it helped me stay on task as far as losing weight was concerned, but once I had grown bored with the idea, I had to fill that boredom with something more tangible. My feeling is I need to keep my mind preoccupied with something that it will accept as "fun" or natural.

At any rate, today was a tough one for me. I tried not to think of the diet, but my attention would always return to the thought of getting bored of the idea (of losing weight) again. Trust me when I say I WANT to lose weight. It's just the thought of a year of frenzied thinking of weight loss scares me. It makes me think of slowly going insane. But, that's why I tried a different approach this week. I hope it pays off. But my parting ways with my old lifestyle (junk food binge eating) is a bit of a bummer.

Here are a few things that kept me in a positive state of mind today (in no particular order):

*Thoughts of a slimmer me in 6 months seeing my family and them telling me they could barely recognize me.
*Thoughts of what could happen to me health wise if I had stayed at the same weight or gotten heavier.
*Thoughts of going on a month sabbatical before leaving to France to join the Foreign Legion. I am thinking that I might go to Montreal for a few weeks before I leave for a quick french immersion.

3/9/09 - Day 7

The week went off without a hitch. The first day was rough, but from then on it's been great. I have had a few minor cravings for various fast foods and junk, the worst being on day 2. But other than that, all is well. My pants feel a bit loser already and it's only day 7. Only 358 days to go.

Here is my weekly photo (I don't know why I didn't do a side profile for the first photo):

3/6/09 - Day 5

As promised here is the "before" photo taken on 3/2/09:

You may have noticed the black box over my boxer shorts. That's because my genitals were exposed. I didn't realize the button was missing and the flap was open (oops).

3/5/09 - Day 4

I woke up this morning feeling really good. It amazes me that after 3 days of dieting I am already feeling a change physically. Do to the healthier foods I'm ingesting, my bowel movements have changed dramatically (for the better). I took my kids to the pool this morning and had no problems being able to go. Normally I would be on the crapper for about 5 to 10 minutes waiting for, what could be mistaken for brownie batter, to pass. Not today, it was out in seconds. This is very embarrassing to admit, but I was able to wipe without complications. The first time in MONTHS I have not had a problem with that. It is such a relief because I dreaded dropping a deuce. Now I can use the toilet normally again.

3/4/09 - Day 3

Today I started my planned diet as someone who was having gastric bypass surgery would. Prior to the actual diet is the pre-diet. Usually the doctor wants you to adjust to eating less and healthier prior to surgery. So for the next 4 weeks I'm eating less and eating healthier, fresher food.

The next 4 weeks break down like this:

Morning Meal:
1 cup Plain Oatmeal
1 Banana

Afternoon Meal:
6 inch Subway Sub (Turkey/Tuna on Wheat with loads of vegetables)
2 Pieces of Fruit (Apple/Orange)

Evening Meal:
20 oz of Soup (Tomato/Vegetable)
2 cups of Frozen Vegetables (Mixed/Broccoli/Brussell Sprouts)

After the 4 weeks I will fast again. I won't eat for 3 days just like someone undergoing the gastric bypass wouldn't. After that I'll start on a liquid diet for 3 days. Next, I'll be on a soft food diet for 4 weeks , eating 6 small meals a day. After that, it will be on to firm food and adjusting the 6 small meals a day to a steady 3 meals.

I didn't post the picture of myself yet. I have to charge my camera and upload the picture to my computer first. I will do that when I have some time this weekend.

Day 2 - Redeux

3/3/09 - 2300

The 48 hour fast is over as planned. For my first meal I eat a turkey sandwich on a croissant with tomato and lettuce. I also have a small granny smith apple. The first meal after a fast is always the best meal ever. I wonder if that's how a junkie feels after not having a hit in awhile. I heard many times before that junkies are always chasing there first hit. But I wonder if that's only true for some and not others.

I did the calculations, and assuming I'm at 475 lbs now, getting down to 175 lbs (or 80 kg) by April 1st 2010 would mean losing 5.5 lbs a week. I'm fairly certain this is possible as I've done this weight loss before. As far as the health aspects are concerned, as long as I follow the diets provided for gastric bypass patients I should be fine. There would be more of a risk doing the surgery and doing the diet than just doing the diet alone. How many complications can happen with the surgery? So, I might as well do it without the surgical aspect to avoid those complications, not to mention the costs.

I took a photo of myself at day 2 today and will post it the next blog post.

New Beginings - Old Habits

I'm writing this blog to chronicle my progress as I try to lose 300 Lbs. in 365 days. I've started this blog before, but never lasted more than 24 hours. here is the first (and last) thing I wrote about 3 or 4 months ago:



I've placed myself on dietary restrictions numerous times before. I have failed myself everytime. The diet works, my dysfunction does not. There have been times when I have lost more than 60 pounds, but will always return to binge eating. I love food. I am a food addict. If I have not had food in awhile and the "cravings" return, I will have an all out binge session where I will eat roughly between 5 to 10pounds of food. More or less, that is about a grocery sack worth of food.I decided for my health and peace of mind to yet again change my dietary lifestyle and become more active. Lately it has become harder to walk the parking lot to my desk when I arrive at work. I will lose my breath with the simplest of tasks. My heart has been beating erratically every once in awhile, I have had strange pains in my arms, legs, and chest as well. There are terrible smells coming from areas of my skin which have become "folds." My penis is slowly disappearing. Clothes are another story, try finding clothes in the latest fashions of the day in 7XL and 8XL, not too mention the price. Worst of all, I now am having trouble wiping my own ass after a bowel movement. This is probably the most embarrassing and worrisome aspect of my obesity to date.

If I continue down the path that I am now, it won't be too much longer before I can't walk at all. It is a terrible life for anyone to live. I don't think anyone would want to live this way, no one sets there mind to choosing this lifestyle. It is created through a perpetual downward spiral of overeating (food abuse, same as drug abuse since food is the drug of choice) and a sedentary lifestyle. The larger I get the less activity I can do. The less activity I do, the more I want to eat to fill the void of boredom and depressed thoughts. I need to make a stand, I need to break the cycle. On Saturday I went shopping for healthy foods: salads, fruit, frozen vegetables, tuna, and eggs. I decided Sunday would be my last binge day. Monday I was going to fast and start my dietary restriction. Monday rolled around and I went all day without thinking about feeding my face... that was until the end of the day. I went to Wal-Mart after work and bought a sack of food: Turkey slices, cream cheese, cashews, raviolis, and coke. The next day I decided to fast again. At the end of Tuesday, I was at Hardees eating a 2 double thick burgers and a large order of fries. Here it is Wednesday, I decided to NOT to fast. I am about to eat my salad and fruit. I know I can do this. I need to do this. I need to break the cycle.



Well, apparently that didn't work. As I can remember I ate the salad and fruit then raided the pantry and had fast food the next day. That brings me to today:

3/3/09

I have been fasting since 2300 3/1/09. Yesterday was terrible. I had 2 medium pizzas in my gut from the night before, and my stomach was killing me. Perfect day to start a diet I suppose.

My goal first and foremost is to lose weight because my body is starting to shutdown. I want to function again. I want to wipe my own ass without struggling. I want to see my cock again. I want to walk from the parking lot to work without feeling like I just ran winds sprints. That's the short term goal.

The long term goal is to drop 300 lbs in in 365 days. That's right, you read that correctly. I know it doesn't seem all that healthy, but hey, neither is 450 + lbs. Actually I don't know my exact weight. The last time I was weighed was last year at the VA hospital. I was 444 in January 2008 when I went to the emergency room for a nasty upper respitory infection. I had just started a diet because I was going to Amsterdam and wanted to be more mobile and have no back problems. The joke was on me, I had MAJOR back problems. I had to go straight to the hospital when I came back from Amsterdam due to back spasms. That was March 2008, my weight then was 416 lbs. So I can only assume I weigh more than the previous 444 lbs because I feel heavier than I did then.

As you might already be able to tell I'm a bit of an adventurist. I spent some parts of my youth traveling across the United States on a bus or on train visiting family. I was travelling on my own since I was 5. My grandmother wanted me to visit for my 5th birthday, so they sent me on a United jet from Portland to Los Angeles and back without an escort. Living in the northwest I loved exploring the forests of Oregon. During my teen years my family moved from the Oregon to California, back to California, and finally I decided to go back to California to live with my father for the duration of high school.

After high school I had planned on joining the military but decided to visit my mom in Des Moines Iowa. It was there that I became independent. I had a job and my own place and I had only been 18 for a few days. After working construction in Des Moines for 6 months I ended up enlisting in the Marine Corps. My hope was that I'd see the world. However, I only saw duty at MCRD San Diego, Camp Pendleton, and Aberdeen Proving Grounds, Maryland. I still enjoyed my time in the Corps, but it left me wanting to get out and travel more. Up to that point I had only been to Mexico... and that was only TJ to party.

After the Corps I ended up going back to Des Moines to settle into civilian life. I had left the Corps do to being overweight and wanted to get back in. I was told by recruiters that it wouldn't be possible even though I had an honorable conditions discharge. I was looking at different options while trying to lose weight. Needless to say, the weight loss didn't come. But I did find the French Foreign Legion at that point and I have been entranced ever since. Even when I kept packing on the pounds every once in awhile I would look up sites about joining the FFL and get excited about losing weight.

So, this is what my ultimate goal is. To lose the weight and leave for France by April 2010 to join the Legion. Even if I get rejected, at least I've lost